peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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