Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
