I'm gonna have a badass scar
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
