Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
