so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
