so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
