I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
