saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
