The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
