My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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