he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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