I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
