Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
only if we run a train.
done.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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