I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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