I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
