I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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