I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
