my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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