Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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