I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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