That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
