Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
