tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
