He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
