I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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