i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
