it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
