I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
