Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
