I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
