There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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