i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
