I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
