Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
