I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."