just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
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Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
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We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday