It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
