im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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