Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
