It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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