someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
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I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
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I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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