I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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