I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
