I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She told me I should be a condom model.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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