I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
