I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
