What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
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