So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
