So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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