A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
