No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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