You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
