some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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