She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
