apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
