God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
they're like a gay fantastic four
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
