my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
