My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
